OFFICIAL PORTRAIT, UNRETOUCHED
OFFICE OF THE INCOMING CHIEF EXECUTIVE
The famous cat has a son. Same stare, same suit, same refusal to explain himself, except every seam on him was cut for someone twice his size.
OFFICE OF THE CHAIRMAN
August 2026
To our shareholders,
For eleven years the corner office held one cat. He built the company as you know it: the stare that could end a meeting from across the room, the tie he never once loosened, the founding lore some of you were there for. The board is aware that no one is replacing that.
We are, however, introducing someone who intends to try.
He arrived on a Tuesday. Legal had not finished sizing the jacket. He wore it anyway, on the grounds that he had already decided the sleeves were fine and stopped taking questions on the subject.
He has since been placed at the head of nine departments, none of which he applied for and all of which he now runs identically: from a seated position, facing forward, saying nothing.
The board finds this acceptable.
We ask for your patience during the transition. We are not asking for your confidence. He has not asked for it either.
Sincerely,
The Board of Directors
CAT JR. HOLDINGS
Nine seats. One occupant. The board has reviewed this and sees no issue.
Figures reviewed by the audit committee. The audit committee is also him.
| Metric | Q4 2025 | Q1 2026 | Q2 2026 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Hours Slept (Reported) | 16.2 | 17.0 | 17.4 |
| Sleeves Occupied by Paws | 100% | 100% | 100% |
| Meetings Attended, In Body | 41 | 44 | 47 |
| Meetings Attended, In Spirit | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Naps Approved by the Board | 209 | 231 | 250 |
| Shareholder Patience | Stable | Stable | Declining, Politely |
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE . AUGUST 22, 2026
The board today confirmed that the transition is finished, insofar as a transition can be finished by one party sitting down and staying there. No further statements are planned.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE . AUGUST 18, 2026
Legal has closed the inquiry. The sleeves are final. Any suggestion that the jacket be re-hemmed has been noted and declined without a vote.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE . AUGUST 9, 2026
The founder's exact whereabouts remain unconfirmed. The board has elected not to escalate the matter.
Chain: Solana. Filed on behalf of the estate. Not yet ratified by any actual regulator.